Tonight I might have had the most creatively disturbing dream one could ever had. In my head was a women with a voice, strong, like Alanis was singing a song about a young woman who had ran from her past to grow up to be so much more than what life she could have. And the images were from my childhood to adulthood. My own personal dreamed music video. From being five, watching my mom get pounded down at the bathroom door, to watching the police bust in that night, with an overview of my mother holding my sister and my dad telling them "everything was fine" as they went away and I hid. To being 15 with the first time smoking week, where my friend fucked the guy we later found out had AIDS. Growing up, the constant beatings, the one resulting in the police taking us. To the girls smoking crack in the shelters bathroom as I watched their kids. To getting drunk, to wanting to fuck everyone, to not giving a fuck. To stepping up, to becoming my own. To working hard, to now, and all grown up. To trying to end the cycle of abuse. Trying to take comfort in friends. Trying to start a family, and ultimately, everyday trying to forget the past.
Why is it so hard to smile sometimes? So they say Dysthymia is my curse. I thought by now I'd be able to shake it. After what... 20 years? Nobody wants to know a 'sad' person. I'm trying to be happy. I've wrapped myself up in getting this business started, cooking healthful food, finding different massage modalities to practice, reading, and gardening. I should be distracted enough to be happy, but the simplest things make me cry or feel distraught.
I try to love my husband. I really do. He is good, I swear. He cooks, cleans, works hard, pretends he's there for me, and tries his best. He reminds me of my dad and that creeps me out. Today he went out after work for a beer with some coworkers. He recently became a manager at work, so I think it's fine for him to celebrate. Yet, he didn't come home til three hours later. At least the tab was on the big guy. But still, I hope it doesn't come to me waiting all hours of the night for him to come home. I certainly wont be able to tolerate that. I should focus on the positive things. I mean, he did come home. And he made tacos for when I got out of school. Sighs...
This is what of the few places I have left that I can still talk about anything and everything that is going on in my life. Very few people know about this place, and I like that it's still open to the public. If there were no chance of anyone happening upon my little piece of privacy I would feel weird. Like I was writing to myself.
Today is Thanksgiving. We had my in-laws over to our house. It seems weird to be married and doing the whole traditional thing. I never thought this is where I would be. I'm too stubborn, demanding, and maybe a little too crazy to hold on to a relationship. It's been over 3 years now. I thought after I got married the thought of it would stop scaring the living crap out of me. Every day I wonder if I made the right choice and everyday I'm so thankful to be with a man so patient and giving. I feel guilty because we're never really in sync, but we get along. That's my default answer to anything that goes wrong. There's something about not getting sick of someone that just never happened to me before. Weird.
My life is going well. I'll graduate in about 6 months. I'm laid off from my current job... and I'm grateful for every week I don't have to go to that horrid factory. It sucks how much money can drive a person. As soon as I save enough to feel secure, I'll quit. I hope it's sooner than later.
I've been feeling intense nostalgia. I keep hearing music from when I first was discovering myself. I miss the friends, the feelings, and the excitement of a new world. I really do miss you Brian. In all of your pretentiousness, you were super funny and knew exactly how to not talk about anything. I had a very friendly love for you and I'm sorry I crossed so many lines.
So me, the boy, and his boy were walking around Zona Rosa this weekend. When we were exiting Barnes and Nobel, the little one said "You're the best step mom EVER!" Put the emphasis on step mom for a minute. Not only are those at work treating us like we're married, but now his son also is nudging in that direction. Robert even told me he didn't put him up to it. I mean, we've discussed marriage and it could work. There are some things we need to seriously discuss before it all goes down, but I think we're both ready. I'm scared, crazy scared. And then it was a shock to realize that yes, I will be caring for a dependent. I've always wanted children, and I'm grateful he's twelve, but it's still knowing that I need to meet his needs that scares me. I'm sure it'll all be okay though.
I'm so frustrated right now!! As of tomorrow, I will have been sick for two weeks. It got really bad one week ago today. At first I thought maybe it was bronchitis, and when I went to my doctor on Monday, she said I should stick it out a few more days. I went back today, though it was the other doctor, because my right ankle is swollen on the top and I can barely walk. Let me tell you, driving was fun... Anyway, he sort of dismissed that as arthritis - um, hello? seriously?-, and took some swaps and blood tests. He thinks maybe strep, but he was talking to another doctor and looking at some books with lung conditions. He wants me to see him again on Friday. Oh, oh oh, on the plus side, my fever is finally gone today. I mean it goes up a little and comes back down, but no more 100.0+! My eyes are still bloodshot and having them open for more than a few minutes hurts. Hell, most of the time I just lay in bed and wait for the day to be over. The only reason I went out today was to buy a new thermometer! I haven't gone to work yet this week. I simply don't have the energy. I'm going to see if the doctor will write me a slip to excuse me for a week or so. I don't know, if I could actually walk, I'd consider going to work. Anyway, I just needed a quick vent before working on homework. Okay, bye bye.
I am not sleeping now. I rereadin whawt I wrote. I still drunk. I miss him. he says we will go out again. I hopes so. Issa ply loaulx ly H e is eating bag of empoty foood. I wonder why. I wonder whyI think of him and wonder hwy it would be so great to have a man to tak e care or m.e he want's a 50000 daolr arecade came. he sayus he paidd 400, isn't tat enogh? Unioon meeting at 9. Shodn't miss it. I tooke the wrong way home. I tooke exit for 35 nortgh. I hop eh hasn't followed me. He could see me naked thourght the winsows. I hope he belivr mr when I tell him it's okay. Tryy to go to bed zgaIn.
If I were to be drunk and to write myself. I would tell msyelf whohow much I want to thorw up rgihtnotw and hownot cool it is. I would tell mys elf ta=Eugene wasn't was the goodest to get drunk wtih And I woudl woudlner ahy I would drink so muhc more oncs I gote home. prtty is looking at me, wondirging why I'ma drunk . I woncer myseld. I wtook a bath, to warm me up. But I coudn't dryu off. and i tought I would be wamer. And I am. This entrey is to remind me how bad I am. I got drunk with Eugene and I don't know what his high school funy name is that rymes with gene. I want to puke. I drak a lot and it is 234. Tehre is a union meeting tomorrow at 9am .. he said he don't feeling a thing. I fi3eelihg al ot for him. why, why do I feel a lot for him? he 42 married, no t drunuk and he don't feel for me. so whyhdo i feel to him?? why??????? i am drooling on my leg. othinh I do druk. Appaarnetly I vnat't typ I don't rememver someone who makes m e feelin g like somethin g why am I son drink. That i cant type. Want to be lvoed, that's all. NOt much he ask me wy I w ant to be with him and I say chemistry. No, i say personality. I love his personality. I really do. I hope thia doesnt't consitucite cheatin,g. We didn''t do anygthing. I slwepem now/
Damnit, Eugene! I want to be sound asleep right now, as I need to be awake in three hours. Because of you, because of our talks, I can't. You see, I'm a healer. I can say that it helps you, and that's great. However, seeing you EVERY-SINGLE-DAY and taking your stress upon myself has starting to effect my sleep. I dream mostly in conversation. When I wake up thinking I'm talking to you, I begin to have issues.
You see, you're a great man. Wonderful... really. The fact that we can have so much chemistry is amazing! You know that it will go away as soon as my helping you is over. I can see it fading already. I was too busy thinking of all of this, as I laid in my bed. I always ruin my writing when I think too much about it. It also defeats the purpose, mostly because now I can't just get it out of my head.
I need a better way to revive myself. Maybe I should just be grateful for your friendship and stop over analyzing that I help you in the only way I know how, and stop mixing that up with having some sort of power.
And I'm sorry that I can't use your song for the title. :(
Do you ever if what you do to make yourself fail is some sort of self punishment? Seriously, why do I eat an entire bag of M&Ms that I don't really want, just because they're there? And why can't I put them down? I eat them like I'm starving, just stuffing my face, almost to the point where there really is no control.
The same is with cleaning. I HATE seeing my apartment a mess. Everyday the past week, I've thought oh I'll clean this up. Okay, so it HAS been getting cleaned VERY little by little. It's actually 50% improved from the beginning of the month. Sure, it'd only take an hour or so, because most of it is paperwork and things that need to be organized. I've stopped just putting mass amounts of unorganized stuff in boxes. Everything needs a place. I really do need to buy storage space. What I'm talking about is shelves and such. I need a pantry. half of the stuff in my living room is groceries that don't fit in my kitchen! Still in bags, none-the-less.
If I wanted to succeed, then why can't I just get up and do it???
Likewise, with exercise and healthy eating. I would love to be extremely healthy. I want to ENJOY eating salads. Yes, they still make me gag. I do keep trying. I had a kiwi for the first time since early elementary last week. It was actually GOOD!
Maybe it's not self punishment. Maybe it's just slow change. I know I've always been afraid to "figure it out". I've had a fear that once you figure yourself out and have what you want, that your time on earth is done. However, I want to live until I'm 100. I shouldn't be so worried so soon. I mean, I do desire to see my grandchildren... and at the rate I'm going, that'll be in 40 years!!
Speaking of children. I received two swaddler blankets from Graco yesterday! I'm adding it to my pile of free baby stuff! :-D
Okay, I'm going to go surf the web for a while and then... maybe, I'll clean a little more. Baby steps to self improvement!