Background Noise (backgroundnoise) wrote,
Background Noise

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I'll be excited for a week, but then excitement starts to fade.

Do you ever if what you do to make yourself fail is some sort of self punishment? Seriously, why do I eat an entire bag of M&Ms that I don't really want, just because they're there? And why can't I put them down? I eat them like I'm starving, just stuffing my face, almost to the point where there really is no control.

The same is with cleaning. I HATE seeing my apartment a mess. Everyday the past week, I've thought oh I'll clean this up. Okay, so it HAS been getting cleaned VERY little by little. It's actually 50% improved from the beginning of the month. Sure, it'd only take an hour or so, because most of it is paperwork and things that need to be organized. I've stopped just putting mass amounts of unorganized stuff in boxes. Everything needs a place. I really do need to buy storage space. What I'm talking about is shelves and such. I need a pantry. half of the stuff in my living room is groceries that don't fit in my kitchen! Still in bags, none-the-less.

If I wanted to succeed, then why can't I just get up and do it???

Likewise, with exercise and healthy eating. I would love to be extremely healthy. I want to ENJOY eating salads. Yes, they still make me gag. I do keep trying. I had a kiwi for the first time since early elementary last week. It was actually GOOD!

Maybe it's not self punishment. Maybe it's just slow change. I know I've always been afraid to "figure it out". I've had a fear that once you figure yourself out and have what you want, that your time on earth is done. However, I want to live until I'm 100. I shouldn't be so worried so soon. I mean, I do desire to see my grandchildren... and at the rate I'm going, that'll be in 40 years!!

Speaking of children. I received two swaddler blankets from Graco yesterday! I'm adding it to my pile of free baby stuff! :-D

Okay, I'm going to go surf the web for a while and then... maybe, I'll clean a little more. Baby steps to self improvement!
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